Tuesday, May 18, 2010

STD Day, Week 1

“You need a thing, a gimmick, something that only you do. Jim Rome has his ‘final burns.’ Berman’s got the ‘WOOOOOOOP’ (in a high voice). Grandma’s got the apple pie.” Those were the words I spoke to myself late last night.

However, before I begin, I’d just like express that watching the collapse of Papelbon against the Yankees, once again, was pure enjoyment. Just a wonderful night. That is all.

So, without further ado, I now present the first ever Spontaneous Tuesday Discussion Day (STD Day for short). Each week, on STD Day, I will be writing about whatever is on my mind, any random conversation from the last week I found particularly humorous or interesting, or anything else that I want to talk about that is somehow related so sports. I’ll be giving out awards, criticism, and neutral observations. The thoughts will be disjointed and entirely unrelated.

Please enjoy STD Day, Week 1!!

Yes Network’s Moment of Greatness

Either the people working at the Yes Network have a tremendous sense of humor or somebody deserves to be fired. I sincerely hope the first option was the correct one. The “Johnnie Walker Moment of Greatness,” is revealed towards the end of most Yankee games shown on Yes. It is usually used to remember various significant games, players, and/or events in Yankees history. Tuesday night, the “Johnnie Walker Moment of Greatness” was given to David Well’s perfect game. Are you kidding me! David Well’s perfect game! As in, the game he claimed to have played while hung-over!? That’s like giving the “Trojan Condom Moment of Greatness” to Antonio Cromartie for his 109 Yard Touchdown or the “Harley-Davidson Moment of Greatness” awarded to Ben Roethlisberger for his second Super Bowl victory.

I’m really just amazed that somebody in the Yes Network suggested the idea in the first place, and that nobody along the way said, “Wait a minute. We can’t do this!” Maybe I am just giving the network less credit than it deserves and this was intentionally done. Whatever the case, it was probably the funniest thing I’ve seen during a sporting event in some time.

The Award for the Most Superlatives Used in one Broadcast goes to….

John Gruden! I know this is really quite a few months too early/late, but like I said, STD Day means that my thoughts are going to be random and unrelated. I think I first noticed this during the opening Monday Night Football game last season. Gruden constantly refers to players, teams, or managers as the best ________. In this blank, Chucky typically inserts any word or category. Try to pick out the answer to this Jon Gruden superlative:

Adrian Peterson is the best____________.

A. Downhill runner in the National. Football. League.

B. Upright runner in the National. Football. League.

C. Heisman runner-up in the National. Football. League.

D. Peterson in the National. Football. League.

E. Running back in the National. Football. League.

F. Player in the National. Football. League.

As long as you didn’t just pull a SAT-style “if you’re not sure, leave it blank,” then you are correct! The answer, of course, is any of them! I’m sure Gruden has said all of those at some point.

Another go-to for Gruden is to state the obvious, but with a long pause between each highly emphasized word. Question number 2. Try to pick out the answer to this Jon Gruden meaningful statement:

Adrian Peterson is a ___________.

A. Professional. Football. Player.

B. Minnesota. Viking.

C. Running. Back.

D. Large running back with a quick first step and a tremendous combination of power and elusiveness.

The answer, anything but D. Don’t get me wrong, though; I think Jon Gruden is funny, enthusiastic, and interesting. Everything you need to be a great announcer.

Charles and Dwight

Can somebody explain to me why Charles Barkley’s role on TNT is the equivalent of the silly, old, senile grandpa who has no filter or regard for the feelings of others and no shame for himself? This is one of the greatest basketball players of all time. Why is the majority of pregame, halftime, and postgame a display of forgetfulness, absentmindedness, and various types of grunts and laughs? After the game last night, the TNT gang revealed a picture of Barkley, in which he looked like a combination of Mr. T and Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver? Mr. T!? Really? What are you doing to the poor guy?

However, amidst the poorly conceived jokes and interjections, a very meaningful conversation took place between Charles and Reggie Miller. When speaking about Dwight Howard and the decision by the Celtics to not double team him in game 1, Barkley said, “You cannot guard a superstar one on one.” Miller responded, “So you’re saying Dwight Howard is not a superstar?” Barkley didn’t really answer that question directly, but did conclude by saying, “He has to open it up for [the three point shooters]. They do not need to open it up for him.”

If I were in charge of labeling players as a superstar, Dwight Howard would be barely hanging onto this status. Yeah, he’s a great defender and huge personality. He can spike a basketball into a rim and dunk on a 12 foot hoop, but when you have the physical talents and supporting cast as Howard, I expect far more than what he gives from night to night. Howard has the ability to take over the game. He just needs to be mean. I’m talking about a mad, psychotic asshole ready to kill anyone in his path to get into the paint and throw it down. He needs to get in his teammates’ faces and scream at them, “Give me the freaking ball! There is no way in Hell that they can guard me one on one. And you know what? If they double me, I’m still gonna kill ‘em and score. If they send a third, then you guys just stay on the perimeter and knock down the open shot when I get you the ball. And if you don’t make it, I’m gonna beat your ass sooooo bad!” Imagine standing in a dark alley with Dwight Howard. Scary, right. Now imagine standing in a dark alley with a Dwight Howard as angry and competitive as Ron Artest. That takes scary to a whole new level.

This season Howard averaged 18.3 ppg, 13.2 rpg, and 2.8 bpg. Those numbers are not good enough. If Zach Randolph of the lowly Grizzlies can average 20.8 ppg and 11.7 rpg and David Lee of the lowly Knicks can average 20.2 ppg and 11.7 rpg, then Dwight can easily put up 25 points a game and 12-13 rebounds. Easily.

Alien Invasion

Last night a couple of friends and I were discussing a highly improbable situation in which aliens invaded our atmosphere and demanded that we send them the finest athletes to negotiate and/or fight for the survival of our planet. Let’s just get right to our answers and not dwell on why or how we came up with this circumstance…

1. Pau Gasol. He’s tall and has a medical background. The aliens will be terrified that people on earth can be talented physically and mentally. In the event of an injury to our team, he can provide relief. Unfortunately, he is kind of goofy looking.

2. Peyton Manning. Like Gasol he is fairly intelligent for an athlete. However, the reason Peyton was selected to save our planet was because of his charisma and charm. He could also amaze the aliens with his ability to eat Oreos in a remarkably quick period of time. Lastly, Peyton can quickly change our game-plan if need be. His only negative is the infamous “shoulder roll” that accompanies his glare of disdain (classic example at the 0:25 mark). The aliens would know when he got frustrated.

3. Ray Lewis. Scary! Very, very scary. He’d actually kill the aliens. On second thought, perhaps he’d be a little too intense…

4. Brian Urlacher. His muscular frame would send the aliens into such shock they’d have absolutely no desire to fight us. He could also bride the aliens with a lifetime supply of Old Spice deodorant. Additionally, if Ray Ray starts to smell, Brian’s got him covered.

5. Roger Federer. Not only is he cool, calm, and collective, but Fed can also serve as translator, since he’s probably familiar with the alien language. The only negative is that he’s a bit small by comparison to everyone else, but that’s really nitpicking.

6. The Rock. Like Ray Lewis, he is very scary and strong. However, he is definitely a gamble. Once the aliens detect his horrific acting, we may lose their respect and trust.

Notable exclusions from the group are “He who must not be named” because he cannot be named and Michael Jordan because he’s getting overweight, he’s old, and he’s kind of a douche bag nowadays.

I look forward to giving everyone another STD next week.



  1. Isn't Federer Swiss?

  2. Yes, and Pau Gasol is from Spain. The article was supposed to say "defend our planet."

  3. Late Night's RacistMay 19, 2010 at 12:32 AM

    And no love to Usain Bolt?

  4. Dis shit be bringing me back from the dead, for realz.