The Jon Gruden Award for Most Memorable Sports Comment of all Time:
The inaugural recipient of this award is a long time contender and first time winner. With much honor, I present the award to Bobby Valentine for two consecutive comments made on Sports Center last Sunday. When referring to the abilities of a certain MLB player, Valentine said with full conviction, seriousness, and no suggestion of humor, “He plays the way my wife shops… All Day Long.” I mentioned this quote to my roommate, to which he responded, “His wife should be happy that’s all Bobby said. He could have said, ‘He plays like my wife screws/cheats/lies… All Day Long.’” He probably wrapped up the award with that one-liner alone, but if Bobby Valentine is anything it is thorough. When discussing managers’ decisions to sit starters, Valentine revealed that, “Robin Ventura was the only player who understood what I did with the playing on a regular basis.” Really? He was your only player who understood what you were doing on a regular basis? That cannot be a good thing. And what was so special about Robin Ventura? Does he read minds?
At first I was incredibly confused when New York Mets manager, Jerry Manuel, decided to pull John Maine after his first 5 pitches of the game last week. However, I now know he was probably just trained by ex-manager, Valentine. Confusion is apparently the New York Mets trademark, thus confirming what many already suspected. Maybe Robin Ventura could explain it to me.
The “Stan Van Gundy” Face Creating Moment of the Week:
Another new STD Day award is given out each week to something that makes me totally baffled. For inspiration, I try to recreate Van Gundy’s go-to look. It’s going to take me a while to master it though, as Van Gundy usually practices it for most of the Orlando Magic’s basketball games.
Can someone please explain to me why anyone would be happy with Ford’s “Swap Your Ride?” For those of you that haven’t seen the commercials, basically these self-righteous pricks from Ford go to random people’s houses and make the executive decision to do the ole’ flip-flop and take their victim’s cars and replace them with a new Ford vehicle. Most people are thrilled by this felony. Thrilled! Here’s how I envision the situation going with me.
“We just swapped your ride! If you look in your driveway you will see that your car, which you probably saved up for months in order to purchase, is missing! Don’t worry, you will also see we have replaced it with a Ford Fusion!”
“Gee, that’s awesome… But you better give me my damn car back or I’m suing your asses!”
While I appreciate the intentions of these glorified thieves, the bottom line is that they are committing Grand Theft Auto. However, they do offer the participants their car back after a week, so apparently that makes it okay. This new policy got me thinking.
Here’s an idea. Starting next month, Elite Miami Escort Service will begin a new event called “Swap Your Wife.” Tired of your old, dilapidated, cost-inefficient wife? Well, we have taken and replaced her with a new, young, hot, and best of all, cheap one! If you’re not happy with the change after one week you can get your old wife back free of charge. Believe us, though, studies have shown most men are really anxious to get rid of their wives. In fact, we have a 90% consumer satisfaction rate!
In The Face!
I have a long held belief that hockey players are not actually human. They don’t operate in the same way that human beings do. The Blackhawks’ win over the Sharks last weekend confirmed this fact, in which a flying puck smashed Duncan Keith in the mouth, causing him to lose seven teeth. Some teeth became high-speed projectiles while a few others got lodged down his throat, which he casually “coughed up” a bit later. This doesn’t even take into account that his mouth and tongue swelled up to 150% of their natural size. Of course, because he is a hockey player, and resultantly a type of organism that is above humans, Keith missed only a few minutes of play and recorded an assist in his return. Do they just have less pain receptors (the neuroscience I major in) or do they actually just not care. This situation reminded me of an event that happened to my brother.
Probably about 10 years ago, my family and I were vacationing in Florida. It was a beautiful night the day we arrived, so everyone was hanging outside of the resort. For some reason, my younger brother, Scott, and my cousin decided to start chasing each other around the outside area. At some point, the two of them rounded the same building, but coming from opposite sides, didn’t see each other until it was too late, and their heads collided. Unfortunately for my brother, my cousin’s head smashed so hard into his that he bit down with enough force to almost cut his tongue into two different pieces. He also got a few nice tooth marks on his face delivered from my cousin’s mouth. The scene was horrifically bloody. Scott was rushed to the hospital, hysterically crying the entire way. When I saw him again that night, Scott had a look on his face that said, “I just had the worst night of my entire life. I almost had two different tongues.” He could barely talk or eat for the rest of the vacation.
Now, let’s pretend that Scott was actually a young Keith Duncan. My dad would have taken Scott off to the side, washed the blood off his face, pulled out a few teeth that looked loose, and probably ripped the tongue in half and said, “It’ll heal. When we get home you can have a few new teeth.” To which Scott would have said, “Uhhgh. Leggts Vacation!”
The Cosmopolitan Award For Something That Is Written For the Wrong Audience:
Another new award! This will be given out weekly to something I have read on a sports website that seems like it should be found on another type of website (Cosmopolitan, People, Glamour). This week, the award goes to… Rich Cimini(!) for this selected paragraph taken from his article, Sanchez Attends Whitehouse Dinner, written on May 19, 2010.
“It probably wouldn't be a stretch to say Sanchez, who is single, ate better at the White House than if he had remained at home in New Jersey. The menu reportedly included Oregon wagyu beef in Oaxacan black mole for the entrée, accompanied by black bean tamalon and grilled green beans. For dessert, they had a choice of a chocolate-cajeta tart, toasted homemade marshmallows and Graham cracker crumble with goat-cheese ice cream.”
I have two major problems with this paragraph. First, what does Sanchez being single have to do with anything? It’s not even related to this totally random and irrelevant paragraph. Second, what the fuck is he talking about!? Forget the fact that the people reading this article are most likely sports enthusiasts. Would a reader of foodnetwork.com even know what this meant? Does Cimini even know this means? No way for both those questions. Regardless, look for Sanchez to eat wagyu beef on the sideline next season, a clear upgrade from hotdogs.
Some things don’t need too much explaining. Here is a quick list of some things I’ve been thinking.
-The Washington Nationals must pursue Roy Oswalt. The guy has been a model of consistency over the last 10 or so years. With up-and-coming phenom Stephen Strasburg getting ready to advance into the majors, having an experienced pro like Oswalt can be very beneficial. Not only will he be a great mentor to Strasburg, but the two could become a great pitching duo for the next 2-4 years, since Oswalt is only 32. They could immediately compete for the division.
-Sports Science is dumb. On the short segment, typically seen on Sports Center, this dude explains various connections between past and present sporting events and ties in simple geometry, ratios, and “science” to explain the happenings. It’s totally nonsensical and is just an example of ESPN pandering to their educated audiences. However, I think most of these people are smart enough to realize its all bullshit.
-A recent Hanes commercial for undershirts, featuring Michael Jordan, has introduced the term “Bacon Neck,” which refers to the phenomenon of an individual’s undershirt getting a little scrunched and folded at the top. Apparently this is an absolute fashion faux pas, but I have never really paid much attention to it. To think I’ve been walking around with a bacon neck all my life! That’s just awful! My real problem with this though, is the terminology. Bacon neck? See, if someone told me I had a bacon neck I’d get pretty offended, not because my undershirt is ruffled, but because I’d think they are telling me I have a double chin. It’s ironic though, because in the commercial MJ is avoiding the bacon neck by wearing Hanes’ new type of shirt. However, he’s gonna have my definition of a bacon neck if he doesn’t watch that weight.
More STDs next week.