If you ask ten movie buffs to tell you the greatest movie of
all time, you’ll probably get ten different answers (mine: Pulp Fiction). If you
ask those same ten movie buffs to tell you the greatest movie since the
greatest movie of all time, you’ll probably get ten different answers (mine: Inglorious Basterds). If you ask ten movie buffs to tell you
the greatest directors of all time, you should get only one answer (Quentin
Tarantino).
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| Tarantino has no problem using curses (bastard), but needs to improve his spelling of them (basterd) |
One of the glorious bastard’s movie trademarks is the use of
non-linear plots. I say such
methods of presentation are interesting because they present the viewer with
different perspectives and the benefit of foresight. Tarantino haters (and these people do exist) say such
methods are annoying and are intentionally done so everyone knows just who
directed the film. If you fall
into the latter category, you might want to copy and paste this article so it
better follows your ideals of a standard story.
December 13, 2011; 3:15 PM
“What took so long?” asked my dad when I arrived back at the
house.
“I had to go to four different stores, but I finally got
it.”
“So what was this article you needed to read?”
“Well, it wasn’t really an article. It was a quote.”
“A quote? You
spent five dollars on a quote?”
“Yes.”
December 8, 2011; 4:00 PM
After being on winter break for two and a half weeks, I
decided it was finally time for me to put an abrupt end to the developing Jew
Fro on my head. When I walked into
the shop, my barber had her hands full with a mini 13 year old Guido, so,
knowing from not just Jersey Shore but life experiences, I figured I had a few
minutes to kill. I went to the magazine rack and grabbed the latest issue of ESPN the Magazine, the most important of
my haircut rituals. One more
glance at Pauli D told me that I probably didn’t have enough time for a full
article.
I turned towards a page that posed different athletes the
following question: “If 1 equals, ‘They need to read Football For Dummies’ and 10 equals, ‘They’re like extra coaches!’…
How knowledgeable are fans of your sport?” Being a fan myself, and someone who likes to think he is
particularly knowledgeable, this question had particular significance.
Adrian Wilson, a three time All Pro Strong Safety, who would
be more frequently listed among the NFL’s elite defensive players were he not
stranded in the desert of Arizona, responded with a ten. To be honest, ten seems a bit high, but
I liked where he was going. He
talked about how Twitter and fantasy football make everyone more
knowledgeable. On the complete
other end of the spectrum was a linebacker whose name escaped me immediately
after putting the magazine down.
He said something to the effect of fans now knowing anything. He gave us fans a 1/10. Ouch.
Around this time Nina informed me that she was ready for
me. I angrily slammed the magazine
back into the shelf and proceeded to have a mini, silent conniption for the
entirety of my hair cut. Who the
hell does he think he is?
One? I know nothing about
the sport of football?
December 12, 2011; 1:32 AM
I knew I wanted to write something in response, but I needed
to find the actual quote first. At
the time of my haircut I had so many things to say, but without the
word-for-word quotation an article would be grossly incomplete.
December 13, 2011; 3:45 PM
I finally sat down to write this blog article, now that I
obtained a hard copy of the sought-after quote:
“They’re fans for a
reason. They have no knowledge of
what we’re doing and how we’re doing it” – Kevin Burnett, Dolphins linebacker.
December 8, 2011; 4:07 PM
As I sat in that barber chair with my hairs trickling down
my neck and thinking about how nice my post-haircut shower was going to be, I
continued to contemplate the absurd quote. They’re fans for a reason? Is Burnett suggesting that if I was more knowledgeable about
football I’d be on a professional team?
I fail to see the correlation.
In 2008, the Eagles and Bengals played a game that ended in a tie after
neither team could produce a point in overtime. Donovan McNabb
explained that he had no idea a NFL game could end in a tie (The
best part of this video is the stammering reporter. “You… you seriously didn’t
know that? You thought there was
another overtime? Oh, wow.”) What NFL fan doesn’t know ties exist in
the NFL? Every other season in
Madden’s franchise mode has at least one simulated tie! There was a tie game in 2002 while
McNabb was in the NFL! So,
Burnett, why then is he still a professional quarterback? (In this example I actually don’t know
why Donovan McNabb is still a professional quarterback.)
 |
| Strong words from a... strong man |
I think the more likely reason that I’m not a professional
athlete is that I’m not talented enough.
At 5’ 9 ¾’’ (clinging to that ¾) I am the Shaq of the Weinberger
family. Unfortunately, most of the
world’s population isn’t the offspring of generations upon generations of
circus midgets. Granted, there are
small professional athletes, but they’re able to overcome the genetic
disadvantage with lightning speed, years upon years of intense practice,
other-worldly amounts of coordination and general athleticism, and a hostile
parent or two. I have none of
these.
December 13, 2011; 2:15 PM
When children go off to college, cruel parents do malicious
things. Bedrooms become gyms and
libraries, annoying pets suddenly “die”, the box of baseball cards that said,
“Do Not Touch!” is touched.
Thankfully, none of these things happened to me, although my parents did
regrettably cancel our ESPN Magazine
subscription. After a quick search
on Google and ESPN.com proved useless, I realized I needed to pick up the issue
myself to find the desired quote.
And so began the next hour
of my life. Wawa (NJ area,
high-class 7-11) was a bust. Rite
Aid had five-thousand different Justin Bieber magazines but nothing on
sports. I’m sorry, I didn’t
realize I was in Limited Too. I
tried a supermarket, but they only carried “Sports Magazine.” I didn’t even know that was a
thing. Then, finally, seven
dollars of gas later, I found it at Shop Rite.
December 8, 2011; 4:10 PM
They have no knowledge of what we’re doing and how we’re
doing it? Enlighten me. Do you mean to say I don’t understand
the complex dynamics of being a professional football athlete? I have to agree with you on this
one. I’ve long since wondered
about the player dynamics and interactions that prompt a plethora of puzzling
occurrences.
Why do professional athletes leave their longtime homes and
loyal ownership, coaches, and fan bases to get an extra three million dollars
over the course of five years when they’re already bringing in 25 million over
that same time span? How can an
athlete call himself a competitor after he gets together with other phonies and
decides to partner-up and take the easy way out? Why, after a athlete’s team makes a game-changing play, does
he lose all control of his emotions and taunt, hit, and speak in a manner that
he knows is illegal and, in doing so, shows no respect for the game so many
wish they could get paid to play? Since when are salsa dances and skits
spontaneous demonstrations of the emotions associated with success? What could possibly make athletes think
that the pot they’re smoking won’t come up on the drug test they know they’re taking that week? Why are some players so idiotic that
they Tweet before they think? I
suppose it’s a mystery because I have no knowledge of what they’re doing or how
they’re doing it.
December 12, 2011; 12:06 AM
As I listened to Chris Collinsworth lament about the weekly
fourth quarter Dallas Cowboys meltdown, I wondered quietly to myself how and
why the end-of-game breakdowns are basically the only constant in the entire
organization. Coaches, personal,
opponents, and end-of-game situations all change but the one thing that doesn’t
is the unequivocal fact that Dallas will painfully squander away a lead in a
game that they should have wrapped up midway through the fourth quarter. There isn’t a player on the roster that
hasn’t been one of the two to five players who are largely responsible for each
loss. There isn’t a coach on the
payroll that hasn’t been one of the two to five coaches responsible for each
loss.
Suddenly, the truth hit me like a locomotive. Kevin Burnett was right.
Fanatics don’t
know. We don’t know what it feels
like to be a part of a team like the Cowboys. Every move a player makes is analyzed, debated, and further
analyzed by the public. All we see
is the final product, but we have no sense of the hundreds of steps and decisions
that went into creating it, regardless of whether the final result is good or
bad. I know how something should
be done, but not how to actually do
it and you can only know if you’ve played at the professional level. Statistics are the guiding voice behind
much of sports writing and fan support, but numbers don’t actually mean anything, case and point being Tebow’s
tremendous success. Athletes are
people and a number cannot measure our lives or theirs. For every statistic there are countless
exceptions.
When the Jets call a run play on third and five I lose
control. What are they thinking?
That never works. Really,
it never works? Do the coaches have a big spread sheet with the percent success for each play call in every
possible situation? Is a run on
third and five a 0%? Of course
not. Think of all the intricacies
that go into each decision. How
did the team do with the play in practice this past week? Did film studies reveal that the other
team’s linebackers quickly drop into coverage on third and medium
distance? Does Sanchez need to
take a breather? Has Shonn Greene
been barking for the ball?
Marion Barber bamboozled NFL fans across the country last
weekend when he ran out of bounds, thus setting the stage for Tebow’s most
improbable Tebowing to date.
Everyone knows that if you stay in bounds the game is virtually over,
but when you look through the eyes of a professional running back, Barber’s
mental error was far from inexplicable.
If Barber stayed in the field of play Tebow would have had roughly 20-25
seconds to get Denver into field goal range, rather than the minute Barber gave
him. Who are we to say that Tebow
wouldn’t have driven Denver down the field anyways? A Chicago first down would have ended
the game. Marion Barber would have
been the hero, not the goat.
As much as he may not want to
admit it, Barber’s become a second-rate running back. He’s playing for his job every time he touches the pigskin,
but, with the Forte injury, he has a chance to earn millions of dollars if he plays well in relief. Imagine how that pressure would impact your
job performance. I wonder if you’d
make a mistake. A former
pro-bowler who once scored 16 touchdowns in a season, Barber probably still
believes he has the talent to be one of the league’s top backs and, for a split
second, these factors contributed to a major mental lapse.
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| Barber's disastrous Sunday probably cost him a million dollars over the rest of his career |
This type of confidence (some might call it arrogance) is the
norm in professional sports and is the driving force behind the huge salaries,
contract disputes, and controversial team departures. Fans sit back and criticize athletes for these things and I
include myself in this group. But,
is it not true that the same people who are harsh on “disloyal” athletes are the
same ones who hate on LeBron James and similar figures because of a seeming lack of self-confidence? Hot headed and/or high priced players
are scorned for their arrogance while collaborators and gathering superstars
are under siege for not having enough of it.
I’ve always said professional athletes need to be blind to
their public image. After losing
in the NBA Finals last season, LeBron James enraged fans across the country
when he basically said, “You guys like to cheer for my defeat, but I get to be
LeBron James and you don’t. You
wish you were me.” Arrogant? Yes. Out of line? Yes.
But, he’s right. Why should he care what a planet of
inferior physical specimens think of him?
Of course, we don’t want to hear that.
We don’t know everything. Adrian Wilson, I appreciate you saying fans are a 10/10, but
you are oh so wrong. There is so
much more fans do not and will not ever understand than what they can
grasp. This discrepancy is what
being a fan is all about. It’s not
a conscious thought, but us super-fans are trying to cross the continuum. We want to be a 10/10 and will absorb
any statistic that helps us in this endeavor. We watch 24/7 ESPN punditry because these guys are the
“experts.” I can break out that Steven
A. Smith bombastic remark when someone questions my knowledge. If I listen to Adam Schefter enough
maybe I will move up half a point on the ten point scale. After 50 online Madden Games I can
understand the strengths and weaknesses of Cover 2, 3, and 4. I know when to blitz and when to drop
nine in coverage. But life isn’t
as simple as a video game.
I don’t have a wide receiver breathing down my neck for the
ball. I’m not sore from taking a
hit. There isn’t going to be an
article in the newspaper the next day ridiculing Sportfan99999 for attempting a
two point conversion in the second quarter against xxLegendxx in their 11:30 PM
Madden match. My opponent hasn’t
studied every play I’ve run over the last three weeks. My livelihood doesn’t depend on the
result.
Why do talented college players bust? They fail to perform because before
they get paid to play, college players are very, very talented fans. They don’t know what professional
sports are like because they’ve never played them or been privy to the inner
workings of the league. Why are
some promising assistant and college level coaches great successes while others
cannot make the transition to head coach?
It’s the same problem.
Still though, fans do know more now than they ever have
before. Within the next 20 years a
professional sports team is going to have a head coach who’s previous
experiences began with fantasy sports, religiously watching ESPN, and hours
upon hours of a day devoted to sports video games rather than through playing
or coaching at an early age. We
know the X’s and O’s, but nothing is as simple as the things that should work. To be truly knowledgeable, someone must be a master of
strategy as well as the intangible variability and before they are thrown into
the locker rooms and game plans of their favorite teams, they cannot and will
not ever surpass the midpoint on the knowledgeable scale.
So what does all this mean? Am I going to abandon my fandom since I don’t actually know
much? Does today mark the last
time I will criticize an athlete or coach? Don’t be absurd; that’s the best part of being a fan. When you spend your time arguing
could-haves and should-haves, you can never be wrong!
Maybe I’ll just change my approach to skepticism. I won’t say, “That was stupid.” Instead, I will say, “I wonder what
could have possibly made him think that would work. Something must be driving the decision and given the
disastrous results, I am truly in awe of how polarizing that factor must have
been!” I might never get to a
10/10, but I am certainly going to keep trying and I don’t care what my
skeptics (professional athletes) say, just like they should do with us
fans.
-AW
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