Thursday, December 1, 2011

WFHCB Conclusion

As everyone probably knows, it is WFHCB protocol that there be an extended break period between the Sweet 16 and Elite 8.  In an unusual twist of events, the WFHCB actually gained inspiration from the BCS and realized that it is so much better to make the top competitors have an irregular break before their big games so as to increase the likelihood of sloppy, uncharacteristic mistakes. 

Elite 8
Mike Munchak vs. Pat Shurmur
Both Munchak and Shurmur have experience as offensive linemen, however Munchak was a 10-time all-pro while Shurmur only got All-Big 10 Conference honors once.  Munchak spent his irregular break from fighting pumping iron and thrashing a punching bag modeled after Chris Johnson (dimes fly out of it when you hit it hard enough).  Shurmur figured he start a new franchise in Madden 12.  Winner: Munchak.   
A punchable face
Jim Harbaugh vs. Hue Jackson
The time off was a stressful one for Harbaugh.  First, he punched a hole through the wall of his living room, which, naturally, made him so angry at the poor quality of the wall that he proceeded to rip the 46-inch plasma TV off his wall.  When the electrician came to his house, Harbaugh was so angry that he was getting charged for destroying his own television that he slapped the repairman’s back extremely hard and, after the poor man looked at him funny, delivered a roundhouse kick to his face.  Harbaugh was sent to prison, but somehow got out on parole in time for his fight with Jackson.  Jackson seemed to think he had claws in his hands and ferociously screamed at Harbaugh, who sinisterly giggled to himself before breaking Jackson’s face, clearly upset over the “outrageous sums of money” he was required to pay to leave prison.  Winner: Harbaugh   

Jim Caldwell vs. Raheem Morris
Morris was quietly confident coming into his regional final with Cinderella Caldwell.  When inquired about his approach to the fight, Caldwell said, “I do destroy Morris.”  He do destroy Morris with a single elbow jab.  What in the world could be the reasoning behind Caldwell’s extreme strength????  Winner: Caldwell. 

Mike Tomlin vs. Ron Rivera
Despite his appearance, Tomlin was never a professional football player.  Ron Rivera, in line with his appearance, was a professional football linebacker.  Tomlin is giving up a few inches and over 50 pounds in this fight.  There’s just nothing he can do.  Winner: Rivera. 

Final Four
Mike Munchak vs. Jim Harbaugh
The top two overall seeds face off for a chance to advance to the finals.  Both coaches have moved seemingly effortlessly through the opposition.  For Munchak, his success is due largely to his size and strength while Harbaugh has used irrational, horrifying anger.  Harbaugh is very intimidating, but Munchak, who is used to having 300-pound behemoths club him across the skull twenty times a minute, sees nothing particularly terrifying about the hotheaded Harbaugh.  Munchak’s confidence irks Harbaugh, and Munchak is able to overcome an initially tough start during the handshake stage of the fight and eliminates Harbaugh.  Winner: Munchak
Munchak's past experiences are far more terrifying than
an angry middle-aged man
Jim Caldwell vs. Ron Rivera
Who could have possibly imagined that Jim Caldwell would be just one game away from the WFHCB final?  If you haven’t figured out by now how he got here, well, you clearly aren’t well versed in the reoccurring jokes of my blog that I seem determined to make entirely unfunny through overuse.  So, for the sake of excitement, I won’t blatantly give it away yet.  Winner: Caldwell

Mike Munchak vs. Jim Caldwell
But I will now.  After four crushing dismemberments, the world is finally hit with the fact that has been strongly suspected for over two years: Jim Caldwell is, in fact, a robot.  While the inability to have human things like emotions, language, likeability, accountability, creativity, or humor have made Caldwell the butt of countless coaching jokes, such cold-hearted blandness serves him well in the world of fighting.  He can become entirely single-minded, programmed to do just one thing: destroy.  Of course, the fact that his skeletal system is composed entirely of iron doesn’t hurt either, as we saw in the Whisenhunt broken hand incident.  To say that Munchak is nervous heading into his fight would be putting it lightly, which, for a man of Munchak’s size, is very unusual.  Perhaps most disheartening of all is the treacherous, creepy, half-smile that permeates through all of Caldwell’s 30 second matches.  It’s like watching a mentally insane, lunatic killer giggling about in a straight jacket.  I’m downright terrified just recounting this.

As a former offensive lineman, Munchak knows all about protection.  He was also a common test subject for Trojan (citation needed).  Given this background, Munchak knows when things are about to blowup.  After having a long conversation with his friends and family, Munchak decided to withdraw from the fight, sighting self-preservation and “general soreness” (Munchak would not be the first to be diagnosed with such an injury.  Brett Favre was put on the injury report in 2008 for it). 

Obviously, Caldwell was not disappointed with such an anti-climactic conclusion to the WFHCB, as such extraneous emotions would not be beneficial to his programmed goal of victory.  WFHCB Champion: Jim Caldwell.

Post-Tournament News
After the surprising end to the WFCHB tournament, an obvious question lingered and left many curious.  Who was behind the creation of Jim Caldwell?  While nobody knows the answer for sure, as Caldwell is incapable of revealing such facts, there are a few lead suspects. 

Some believe NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, is the mastermind.  As a pacifist, Goodell would certainly be against such a violent tournament and, perhaps, believed that by creating an indestructible force (most likely modeled after longtime enemy Ndamukong Suh) he would guarantee that there be only one year of such fighting, as nobody in his right mind would risk his life against Caldwell.  Other conspiracy theorists point to Jim Schwartz, whose altercation with Jim Harbaugh indirectly birthed this tournament.  He created Caldwell in the hopes of having the robot eventually face off and destroy Jim Harbaugh. 

Obviously, both of these leading theories are unlikely as Caldwell has been in existence long before the Schwartz-Harbaugh WFHCB catalyst.  Theorists say, “The ability to create an almost-human robot is more complicated than time travel,” implying that Roger Goodell and Jim Schwartz went back in time to create Jim Caldwell once they foresaw the WFHCB.  I don’t buy it.
Don't let the face fool you, he's a mastermind
I point the creation of Jim Caldwell to Peyton Manning.  When it became clear that Tony Dungy was departing from the Colts in 2008, Manning knew that any coach the organization brought in would be, at best, silent and allow Manning to be the actual coach, or, at worst, the incoming coach would try to do something.  Peyton could not tolerate the second possibility.  One dark night (let me remind you this hasn’t been proven) Manning went to the home of his then quarterback coach, Jim Caldwell.  Manning knew Caldwell was the frontrunner for the head coaching position, so Manning did the only thing he knew would insure that he’d remain entirely responsible for his team’s success.  He turned the once live Caldwell into a robot version of himself, a feat that, for a six-foot-five, two hundred and thirty pound quarterback with a laser arm, was no big deal. 

Does anyone think it’s suspicious that this supposed back injury got progressively worse?  Obviously, Peyton just got tired of being the only useful person on his team and decided he’d take a break (no pun intended).  One-level cervical neck fusion?  Give me a break!  He took a year off to control Caldwell in the WFHCB! 

Well, that does it.  My exclusive coverage of the WFHCB is officially over.  More realistic articles to follow.


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