I woke up this past Monday with an idea for my upcoming article. It was going to be an earth-shattering piece
of crafty literature. I wanted to
give a summary of Wild Card weekend by addressing what was obviously the most
interesting of the games (Denver defeating Pittsburgh) without riding the Tebow
bandwagon too hard. After my 9:15
class ended, I got to work, scribing upon my 2008 Macbook Pro perhaps the
greatest single piece of sports commentary ever to be written. Just one page in, I had already undergone
an emotional rollercoaster creating it as I laughed, sobbed, and felt like, for
the first time in my life, I found my reason for being on this planet. Surely such grandiosity would have been
something any reader would have experienced for as well. My next class began at 11:35 so I packed
up my computer and embarked for my lecture, hoping that the next hour would fly
by so that I could continue on my literary masterpiece (I also recently got
hooked on Showtime’s show, Weeds, and had already blocked off a sizeable chunk
of my afternoon so I could finish watching the first season on my
computer. You will note that I
said, “Showtime’s show, Weeds” to avoid any possible misinterpretation of that
sentence).
I got back to my house, ate a quick lunch, and plugged in my
computer. The only problem was
that the aforementioned 2008 Macbook Pro would not turn on.
The next two and half hours of my life were devoted to my
attempts to ameliorate this most tragic situation. “I don’t understand,” I proclaimed to anybody that cared to
listen, “it was working swell this morning!” My first attempt was to monkey with the charger. That was a failure. I then took out the battery and applied
the N64-blow-on-it trick to any part of the computer that looked important. If there were ever an indication that I
know absolutely nothing about computers, that pathetic effort leaves no doubt. Anyway, this heartbreaking tale ends
with my computer getting shipped off for the next two weeks to undergo various
operations that will hopefully end with it back in my arms and fully
operational. In the meantime, I
was given a 2007(!) Macbook Pro as a replacement from the school. The thing weighs at least ½ a pound
more, which I find to be downright intolerable.
The reason I am writing all of this, besides the fact that I
need a venue to bitch about my horribly unjust and difficult time, is that my
broken computer and subsequent loss of recently created files means that the
gem and crowning achievement of my writing career is forever lost – that is
until I release my posthumous blog, Born
Again: The Lost Blogs of Adam Weinberger. Until that day though, we will
need to put the lost piece behind us, despite how difficult it may be. Attempting to rewrite my article
exactly would be a waste of time, as whatever I produce will lack the charming
spontaneity of my first effort.
 |
| Like I always say, "If Biggie could do it, so can I." |
Here is my best attempt at a seamless transition from a
woebegone tale to a more traditional column focused on sports. Game picks for this weekend will be
coming later this week. In the
meantime, here are some NFL issues that have me as heated as one can be without
someone saying to you, “You realize you’re talking about sports here.” Note:
these appear in order from frustrating to downright intolerable (with the same
“just sports” stipulation).
1. The New York Jets Soap Opera
I think mostly because we’ve known this was bound to happen
eventually, the imploding locker room is snagging multiple front-page stories
on the ESPN and NFL websites.
First it’s Holmes, then it’s Bart Scott, and now Marc Sanchez. They collapsed this season and quite
frankly were never really any good. Maybe it’s because I have no interest in
hearing about my team’s failures weeks after the season ended, but I feel like
the only football stories that should matter at this point are those for the eight
teams left. The Jets have
weaknesses at the quarterback, running back, wide receiver, and nickel back
positions among many coaching ones.
Baring an unforeseen offseason pickup/trade, I don’t see this team
winning more than 7 games in 2012 and by this time next year they will be all
but irrelevant were they not from New York.
2. The Review System
Just when you thought the slow-as-molasses, blatantly flawed
review system of the NFL could not possibly get any worse, the esteemed minds
of the league decided that every scoring play should be reviewed, adding on
another 15 minutes to every game. Does the head ref really need so much
exercise that he must go over to the hood to watch the replay for himself? I mean, everyone watching the game on
television usually gets to see the review of the play five to ten times before
we even hear the dreaded words, “The previous play is under review.” No shit
it’s under review! We just watched
it get reviewed. In fact, we
pretty much already know if it’s getting overturned or not. But, rather than having all those guys
upstairs who are supposedly watching every play just radio down to the head ref
and tell him either “it’s overturned” or “the play stands”, I need to listen to
another fifteen minutes of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman punditry. But, hey, at least the duo understands
that all scoring plays get reviewed.
Half the announcers still argue with one another about whether or not
the coach should challenge the touchdown until one the dimwits says, “But,
wait, all scoring plays get reviewed.”
Of course, the worst part of all is that thanks to absurd
rules regarding what can and cannot be challenged, they still get the call wrong many times. Two incorrect calls were made this weekend on fumbles
because the refs could not necessarily say a defender would have recovered the
football had the play not been blown dead.
3. AFC West Front Office Blunders
Which California team committed a bigger mistake, San Diego
for bringing back Norv Turner or Oakland for firing first-year man Hue
Jackson? Both moves are as
difficult to understand as Matt Millen’s qualifications for his job at ESPN. Coaches get scapegoated too often
nowadays for team failure, as seen in Jackson’s departure. However, in the case of Norv Turner, I
believe he has long overstayed his welcome. In a year where the AFC West failed to produce a nine-win
team, it’s an absolute joke that talented San Diego didn’t take the
division. After the Philip-Rivers-botched-snap
disaster, it behooved Turner to prevent his team from falling into a midseason
funk. He didn’t and his club
proceeded to lose its next four games, at which point their season was all but
finished.
 |
| While understandably upset about his firing, Jackson should be proud of his top 8 finish in the WFHCB |
Yet the Hue Jackson firing is even more stunning. With a career record of 8-8 in Oakland,
he has the best win percentage of the last six men to coach for the
Raiders. If I were making a list
of the top 10 candidates for Coach of the Year, Jackson would have been in
there. In one week, the Raiders
lost their best player in running back Darren McFadden and brought in Carson
Palmer, who had been back in football for less than a week. Prior to the McFadden injury, Oakland
was 4-2. Three of their final five
losses were to playoff teams.
4. The Use of “A”
Is something grammatically, syntactically, or otherwise
wrong with the following sentences:
If the 49ers want to be a better offensive team, they’re
going to need someone like a Drew Brees at quarterback. Then again their secondary could use a
Darrelle Revis or a Troy Polamalu.
In the return game, they’d benefit from a player that can be like a
Devin Hester.
What the hell is “a” doing before all of those people’s
names? It serves absolutely no
point accept to indicate the poor education of the person using it in such a
frivolous and incorrect manner.
Yet, time and time again, the football maiden’s of ESPN, CBS, FOX and
sports talk radio around the world insert the insignificant syllable and, in
doing so, remove any vestiges of validity their comment may have had.
I guess this was a preemptive topic to include because the
NFL draft coverage has begun to steadily increase, which means TV’s across the
country are going to be bombed with Mel Kiper, the biggest fan of the
irrelevant and idiotically nonsensical “a”. If his first grade teacher is still alive, I’m sure she
busts a gasket anytime her grammatically challenged ex-student decides to show
his forehead on mainstream television.
To prove my point, I was trying to find a video in which
Kiper performs this moronic sin and, what do you know, he does it literally within the first three seconds
of speaking in the first
video I clicked on. As is
always the case, the “a” added absolutely nothing.
5. All Pro = Pro Bowl
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
Being an all-pro player is in no way the same as being a pro
bowl player. Just to be clear, the
all-pro roster is voted on by 50 sports writers, the same group of people as
those who vote on the AP MVP award.
There is only one player selected for each position, with the exception
of WR, CB, LB, D-line, and RB (because more than one of these are typically on
the field at the same time). Compare
that to the slew of old, overrated, and/or popular bums who get voted into the
Pro Bowl by the fans.
Jared Allen explained it best this past week after he made
the roster for the fourth time saying, “The All-Pro Team to me is one of the
all-time accomplishments. Pro
Bowls are nice, but guys get voted in longer than they should and guys who
deserve to go don't always get to… this is the honor I hold the highest.”
There are a lot of terrible commercial out right now, but
absolutely none of them are as difficult to watch as this GEICO
commercial.
“You are all pro linebacker, Brian Orakpo.”
 |
| I wonder how guys like Clay Matthews, James Harrison, and DeMarcus Ware feel about Orakpo's label as an "all-pro" |
No he is not!
Brian Orakpo has never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever made an
all-pro roster. He’s never even
made the second team all-pro list.
In fact, both of his appearances in the Pro Bowl have been essentially as replacements.
Some day I am going to call up GEICO and demand I speak to
enough supervisors before I can unload my frustration on whatever careless bozo
wrote such a fallacy. The thing
that really kills me about the commercial is that Brian Orakpo must know they aren’t telling the
truth. Maybe that’s the only
reason he agreed to the commercial in the first place.
It’s one thing for an insurance company to make a mistake,
but I expect more from people actually involved in the football world. During the Bengals-Texans playoff game,
one of the commentators (either Tom Hammond or Mike Mayock – it’s a shame I
forgot) repeatedly referred to wide receiver, A.J. Green, as an all-pro. The rookie had a great year, but was
probably not even in the top 10 at his position.
Okay, well, my blood is sufficiently boiling. Divisional Round picks will be out in
the coming days.
-AW
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