The Round of 32 was a great start to the first ever WFHCB. Like any great first round, there were statement wins by some of the top competitors, nail bitters that weren’t decided until the final seconds, and shocking upsets, putting a Cinderella Story into the eyes of a select few.
Busted Gut Region
Mike Munchak vs. Rex Ryan
-Mike Munchak’s herculean frame doesn’t phase Rex Ryan. He refuses to “kiss his rings” and guarantees victory. The super heavyweight, Ryan, is fueled by brash confidence and his patented, “Ground-and-Pound” technique. Munchak, although undersized (at least in this affair), has superior strength and weight management methods. Over confident, and armed in his classic black sweater vest, Ryan spends too much time observing Munchak’s bare feet and is quickly dispatched. Winner: Munchak
Sean Payton vs. Norv Turner
Payton announces that had he been given a body like Turner he would have been a two-time WFHCB champ by now. Winner: Payton
Marvin Lewis vs. Tony Sparano
The first fan vote of Round 1. Winner: Lewis
Pat Shurmur vs. Tom Coughlin
Tom Coughlin threw the red flag with respect to his impossible odds, but in a rare occasion, lost. He is actually that fossiliferous and should be seeded as such. Shurmur, who played offensive line and linebacker his freshman year at MSU, eventually winning All-Big 10 honors for his play at center, unleashed a furry of jabs, indicating his obvious frustration with trainer, Heyton Pillis, who decided not to help him although he was certainly capable of doing so. “My tummy hurts,” Pillis told the media prior to the bout. Winner: Shurmur
Ass Kickin’ Region
Jim Harbaugh vs. John Fox
Harbaugh, the poster child for the WFHCB, is still angry about a previous super market encounter in which he snatched the final Hungry Man and proceeded to cart-check the guy who had it swiped from his hands. Fox has poor vision and constantly squints in strange directions. This one ended quickly. Winner: Jim Harbaugh
Pete Carroll vs. Jim Schwartz
United in their disdain for front-man Jim Harbaugh, these two yippy ankle-bitters leave it all in the ring. Schwartz uses his signature Arm-to-the-side-body-rush while Carroll utilizes his somewhat pacifist approach as he attempts to “What’s you’re deal” Schwartz into submission. Things don’t look too good for the winner of this one in the Sweet 16. Winner: Schwartz
Leslie Frazier vs. Hue Jackson
Something about Hue, maybe it’s his name, makes him look like he belongs in this battle more than his frame/age would indicate. Leslie is a girl’s name. Winner: Jackson
Gary Kubiak vs. Bill Belichick
Armed with an almost illegal degree of preparation, Belichick, who entered sporting a highly questionable mullet, had to wipe the blood of Kubiak off his sordid hoodie. In his postgame conference, Belichick explains to reporters that, “I did some things good today, but was for the most part terrible.” Kubiak just can’t seem to win… ever. Winner: Belichick
Bone Saw Region
John Harbaugh vs. Jim Caldwell
Harbaugh’s high seed was actually an error. The committee confused John for Jim, claiming to the reporters, “We did not realize our error until Ray Lewis began to speak publicly about the training John was receiving in preparation for killing Caldwell.” Caldwell, who’s 400 to 1 odds were considered by many too generous, said nothing regarding the fight. In Round One’s biggest upset, Caldwell literally ripped Harbaugh in half, employing super-human strength that nobody saw coming. Winner: Caldwell
Ken Whisenhunt vs. Lovie Smith
Anyone with the name Lovie can never win a fist fight. Winner: Whisenhunt
Jack Del Rio vs. Andy Reid
Del Rio, in an out of character moment, found success in the film room. The formula to defeat Reid was already created. Winner: Del Rio
Raheem Morris vs. Mike McCarthy
Raaaa-Heeeeem Morris is athletic. Winner: Morris
Jersey Shore Ron Region
Mike Tomlin vs. Chan Gailey
Tomlin looks like he should be a professional running back (call him Mike Tomlinson). Gailey looks like he should be librarian. Winner: Tomlin
Todd Haley vs. Mike Smith
In an unfortunate turn of events, Todd Haley broke every bone in his body before the fight. Winner: Smith
Steve Spagnuolo vs. Jason Garrett
Spagnuolo, a disciple of the infinity-to-1-odds Tom Coughlin, is pitted against Jason Garret, a disciple of a man who would have certainly been given infinity-times-two-odds at victory. The two engage in the most competitive game of Round 1. Winner: Garrett.
Ron Rivera vs. Mike Shanahan
River, who played with defeated Leslie Frazier on the 1985 Chicago Bears, matches up against Shanahan, who notoriously always selects the wrong boxing gloves. Winner: Rivera
Without a question, the headline for Round 1 has got to be Jim Caldwell’s unprecedented (although everything that happens this year will be without precedent) shredding of John Harbaugh, who many pegged to go to the regional final. Next on Caldwell’s list is Whisenhunt.
The other top seeds look deserving of their rank, with Munchak, Jim Harbaugh, and Mike Tomlin(son) all easily dispatching their opposition. With the exception of the aforementioned Jim Harbaugh, the Ass-Kickin’ Region saw a furry of upsets and it looks to be the most unpredictable section. Schwartz will take on Harbaugh in Round 2, which, for obvious reasons, has been elevated to the primetime slot.
I think the clear favorite at this point remains overall number 1 seed, Mike Munchak. If I had to pick a dark horse, I’d go with the 6 seed, Hue Jackson, coming out of, you guessed it, the Ass-Kickin’ Region.
Although there was your standard share of seed complaints, everything went relatively smoothly and Round 2 should be a great one.